


young hearts, forever wild

by bookbug99



Category: Lovely Little Losers
Genre: Freddie POV, Gen, Vignettes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 13:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5006164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookbug99/pseuds/bookbug99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Freddie Tries To Film A Vlog and Not Fall Flat on Her Face: Take One. Here goes nothing.</i>
</p>
<p>Freddie's side of the story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	young hearts, forever wild

**Author's Note:**

> I'm American, so apologizes for any mistakes on New Zealand culture/slang/etc.

Freddie Tries To Film A Vlog and Not Fall Flat on Her Face: Take One. Here goes nothing.

Freddie stares at the camera. The light blinks back at her, as if daring her to say something. She exhales.

Vlogging seems so easy. When she watches vloggers on YouTube talk about their latest makeup hauls or answer questions from their fans, vlogging seems so simple and polished. When she watches Ben’s videos, they seem so effortless--all it takes to make a perfect video is a few jump cuts and some well-timed jokes.

But actually standing in front of a camera, talking to nothing and staring at the wall, is ten times harder.

Freddie feels like she has nothing to say -- like everything she says will be stupid. It’s not like anybody will actually care about these videos. She’s just embarrassing herself. She inhales and exhales.

Ben says that she needs to get over her fear of cameras. “The camera takes away all your feelings, Freds,” he’d told her earlier this week, while they were attempting to study. Freddie had rolled her eyes, because who cared about cameras when there were more important things to do like memorizing subjunctive French verbs.

But he’s not wrong. She needs to get over her fear of cameras and learn to relax in front of the camera. 

It’s just a camera. It’s just talking.

Freddie inhales and exhales.

“Hi,” she says, looking sidelong at the camera. “I’m Freddie...Freddie Kingston, yeah--Oh, god, cut.”

The camera stares back.

It’s a start.

 

 

She has a very specific daily routine. Every morning, Freddie wakes up, has breakfast, drinks some coffee from the coffeepot. Always black coffee. She has her uni schedule saved on her phone and a wall calendar hanging in her room with all her important assignments marked on it. 

Typically, she has classes in the morning before lunch, so around eight or nine she’ll travel to campus. Then there’s a two or three hour break between classes for lunch. Sometimes Freddie heads back to the flat for lunch, sometimes she has lunch at Boyet’s, sometimes she’ll meet Ben in the dining hall at uni. After lunch, one or two more classes, then dinner, then studying after dinner.

Freddie’s focused. She has goals. She’s not going to let anything distract her from her goals. She came to uni to learn, she’s going to learn.

And yeah, it’s not like she’s a 100% flawless student; sometimes she’ll ignore her comp essays in favor of rewatching In The Flesh series two, which she’s seen approximately a million times.

But it’s her routine, and she likes routines.

 

 

It’s finally turning to spring in New Zealand. Freddie loves seeing the flowers changing on her walk to uni, and she’s so relieved that winter is finally over. Today she’s meeting her flatmates at Boyet’s, since they’re all free for lunch. 

Peter, for once, doesn’t have some kind of lunch meeting for his sounds-fake-but-is-apparently-one-hundred-percent-true play. Apparently Costa, who Freddie is a little afraid of (okay, a lot; he’s intimidating even over the phone) is very dedicated to his artistic craft, and “the play stops for no one or nothing,” not even lunch.

Freddie’s grateful for her flatmates. Sure, they have problems sometimes, but they’re wonderful friends. She could have ended up with one of those roommate horror stories, the kind of ones people her parents’ age love to tell about their uni experiences. Oh, I had a roommate who vacuumed up my most expensive earrings, et cetera. 

But she has good roomates: Ben, who’s full of endless enthusiasm, Balthazar, who she swears to god will probably become either the next Lorde or the next Sondheim, and Peter, who is a genuinely caring person and a wonderful friend.

Freddie hears someone calling her name the second she walks into Boyet’s. She turns around, expecting it to be Stan or Ben or Kit, but it’s Paige Moth and her girlfriend. 

“Hi, Freddie,” Paige says, waving her over.

Freddie smiles and walks over to their table. She likes Paige and Chelsea; they’re both so funny and so kind. Paige has come over to the flat a few times to help film Balth’s music videos--she’s such a great singer--and Freddie’s run into Chelsea in town and at uni a lot recently. They’re lovely people, and it’s nice to make new friends.

“How are you, Freddie?” Chelsea says when she sits down.

“I’m good,” Freddie says. “I’m meeting my flatmates here for lunch.”

“Oh, I don’t see them yet,” Paige says, glancing around the cafe. Sure enough, none of her flatmates are to be found. Freddie spots Kit behind the counter, laughing with a customer. “Is Balth coming?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“I have an idea for a new song and I need his help,” Paige says.

“What’s the song about?” Freddie says. She’s heard some of Paige’s songs, the ones Ben uploaded to his channel. She loved the trio song her and Rosa Jones and Balth did, the one with the amazing harmonies.

“It’s about falling in love,” Paige says.

“Isn’t that what literally all songs are about?” Chelsea says.

“Falling in love and breaking up,” Paige agrees. “Most modern music, at least.” She takes a bite of her chocolate croissant. Freddie’s stomach grumbles, and she reaches inside her sweatshirt pocket to send Ben a quick SOS text: where are you guys???

“I can’t wait to hear it,” Freddie says.

Paige grins. “Thank you.” She’s one of those naturally beautiful girls who doesn’t realize she’s beautiful. If she’s being honest, Freddie’s a bit jealous of her. Paige seems to have it all worked out. She’s confident, beautiful, a great musician, comfortable in her sexuality, and in a great relationship.

Freddie admires her so much, and she’s glad Paige is her friend, but she’s a little jealous of her. 

“What are you two studying at uni?” she asks. It’s her foolproof question, the one that everyone she meets can answer.

Chelsea smiles. “Neuroscience,” she explains. “For pre-med.”

“She’s a genius and a scholar,” Paige explains, leaning up to plant a kiss on her girlfriend’s cheek. Chelsea laughs, blushes slightly, and looks away. “And I’m studying music, of course.”

“She wants to be a teacher,” Chelsea says with a grin.

“Wow, that’s great,” Freddie says. “You want to teach, like, kids, or teenagers or”--She cuts herself off before this gets too embarrassing. Half the time, she’ll say something embarrassing and berate herself in her head later.

“Yeah, I taught some music classes to little kids in high school,” Paige says. “Like, basic music theory and stuff as a counselor at a camp. But I want to teach all kinds of things--vocals and instruments and songwriting.”

“What about you, Freddie?” Chelsea says.

Freddie tries to smile. “Psychology.”

Ben’s studying linguistics and sociology, and he’s taking some classes about new media and video production. Peter’s taking pre-law, and she can tell he’ll be a great lawyer someday. And Stan’s doing a dual degree in English and music composition. And she’s studying psychology, hopefully to become a clinical psychologist one day, after she graduates from uni and gets her master’s in clinical psychology.

But thinking about the future scares her. The future’s something that you can’t plan, no matter how hard she works on her GPA or how much money she saves for the future. Success is luck, and success is rolling the dice and hoping for a good answer. And that terrifies Freddie.

“Oh,” Paige says, ‘there’s an open mic at the student center next weekend. They’re usually disasters, but I’ll be performing and so will Balthazar, so I hope you’ll come.”

Freddie smiles. “Sure. I’d love to see you two play. What time is it?” Paige gives her the information and Freddie inserts it into her phone’s calendar. It’s next weekend at the student center on Saturday at 4 p.m.

The door swings open and in walks Ben. Freddie can tell it’s Ben because a voice shouts, “Freds, are you here?” Ben’s not the kind of person who does things subtly. He’s an all or nothing person. 

“I’m here,” Freddie says in a quieter voice.

“Ah, Freddie!” Ben grins and walks over to their table. “And the wonderful Paige and Chelsea, too.” Paige and Chelsea smile at him.

“We were just talking,” Paige says, “about how there’s going to be an open mic at the student center next weekend.”

“That sounds great,” Ben says. He turns to Freddie and says, “We’re definitely going.”

“Is Peter going to come, too?” Chelsea says.

Freddie can see the wheels turning in Ben’s head--all his emotions are all or nothing, too -- and she knows he’s thinking about Peter. And Balthazar. And Peter-and-Balthazar, or the lack thereof. And she knows that Ben never turns down a good plan.

“Of course he’s coming,” Ben says.

 

 

A few weeks later, Freddie comes home from her 4 p.m. class to find Jacquie Manders sitting on their couch.

Jacquie's just sitting on the couch, watching TV. Freddie doesn’t know what to do--should she say hi, should she go run and hide in her room and attempt to do her coursework, should she strike up a conversation about the local news programme? 

“Hi, Jacquie,” she says.

Jacquie looks up. ‘Oh, hi, Freddie.”

Freddie casts about for a conversation topic, something, anything that she can say. Jacquie’s come over to the flat multiple times, of course. But Peter’s always been there, and Freddie only knows Jacquie because of Faustus, and by extension, Peter. They don’t know each other otherwise at all. 

“Is Peter here?” Freddie says, trying to think of the first thing to say. Jacquie shakes her head.

“No, sorry, he’s not here,” she says. “He’s done with his class at 4:30 and told me to come here and he’ll meet me after class to run lines.”

Freddie nods and cautiously moves towards the couch. “How’s the play? You’re playing”--

“Helen of Troy,” Jacquie says.

Freddie tries to remember what Greek history she remembers from year twelve. Ben would know; he’s the one studying linguistics and all those dead languages. She remembers Odysseus, and Aphrodite, and Zeus, and how all the gods were always fighting.

“Helen of Troy is the one that started the Trojan War, right?” Freddie says. She moves closer to the couch, leans against the end and tries to look cool. 

“In mythology, yeah,” Jacquie says. “But in Faustus, she’s more of a symbol.”

“Oh, cool,” Freddie says. She leans closer, barely towards the edge of the couch. “You must really like acting, right? I mean, you’re in a play, Peter says you’re really keen on it, you know, really serious”--

Jacquie smiles. “Yeah, I do. I’m studying acting at uni, actually. I’m studying theatre.”

Freddie thinks about how her parents say that acting is ridiculous, something you could never make a career out of, a waste of a degree. She thinks about how clearly passionate Jacquie is, how excited she is to talk about the play. And she thinks about Peter, who loves acting, and decides that’s rubbish.

She decides she wants to be friends with Jacquie.

So she finally sits down on the couch besides Jacquie and says, “Tell me more about Faustus.”

Jacquie grins.

 

 

The following Thursday, Freddie’s in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner (tonight: homemade blueberry pancakes and eggs, because breakfast for dinner is the best), since it’s her night to do the dishes, when Balthazar walks in.

“Balth,” Freddie says, "you don’t have to help with the dishes. It’s my turn, I can do it”--

“I want to help you,” Balth says. He sounds genuine. “I don’t want you to have to do it alone.”

“You’re a literal angel,” Freddie says, and hands him a sticky glass to wash.

Balth takes the glass and grabs a washcloth from beside the sink. They wash in silence for a few minutes while Freddie’s iPod blares The 1975 in the background. Balth hums underneath his breath while he cleans; he doesn’t seem to notice.

Freddie scrapes a pile of eggs of one of the plates and into the trash and slides the plate into the dishwasher.

“How are your classes going?” she asks Balth as she starts scrubbing the next plate.

“Good,” Balth says. He scrubs a pile of grime off a coffee mug emblazoned with the Tardis. (Ben’s, most likely -- he bragged to Freddie last week that his collection of Dr. Who merchandise is “extensive.”) “I’m taking history of music this semester, and it’s really interesting. I love music history.”

“What kind of music are you studying?”

“Well, there’s jazz music and tribal drumming, symphonic music...it’s the history of world music, and it’s so interesting.” Balthazar smiles, and Freddie smiles back. She picks up a frying pan and runs it underneath the sink.

“How are your classes this semester?” Balthazar asks.

“I’m taking a class about early childhood development,” Freddie says. “It’s a great class.”

“I think it’s amazing you’re studying all this stuff, y’know, like how people’s brains work and how they act and think and behave. I’m sure you’ll be an amazing psychologist, someday.” Balth smiles off to the side.

“Thank you, Stan. And…” Freddie puts the pan into the dishwasher and grabs a plastic cup to wash. “Someday, I’ll be able to say, I knew the amazing Balthazar Jones way back when. When you win a Grammy, I’ll have bragging rights.”

Balthazar laughs.

“You better thank me in your acceptance speech,” Freddie says. 

Balthazar smiles. “Of course I will, Freds.”

They wash in silence for another few minutes. Freddie decides now is a good time to talk about the elephant in the room.

“How are you and Kit doing?” she says. She sees Kit often, when she goes to get her morning coffee at Boyet’s, and he never mentions him and Balthazar. And Balthazar’s the most private person in the flat, really: he’s quiet, unassuming, always stays out of the way, never wants to fight with anyone. Except when he does.

Balthazar says, “How’s your love life, Freddie?”

“Non-existent. C’mon, stop ignoring the question, just tell me tell me tell me. Pleeassse.” Freddie gives him her best puppy dog face.

Balthazar sighs. “We’re fine.”

“Fine? Stanley Balthazar Jones, I need more.” Freddie sighs. “Come on, are you two dating or are you not?”

Balthazar picks up a plastic bowl, dangles it in midair. “I think we should watch Howl’s Moving Castle for movie night this week.”

“Oh, c’mon, it’s one question. Just give me a yes or a no answer, Balth. Are you dating him or are you not?”

Balth sighs. “I don’t know if we’re dating. We’ve gone out a few times, but nothing official.”

“What about Peter?” Freddie says. 

Balthazar’s mouth straightens into a thin white line. “What about me and Peter?”

Freddie only knows part of the story. She didn’t know them a year ago, when their lives fell apart. She didn’t know Peter when he was Pedro, all round great guy; she didn’t know the Balthazar that would write a song about loving Pedro and upload it to YouTube. She watched all the videos, but that doesn’t mean she knows who they used to be. 

She knows Balthazar and Peter now. They’re such different people than they used to be. The only people who know the real story are Balthazar and Peter, and she doesn’t presume to know what happened. Even Ben doesn’t know the real story.

So she says, “Are you two...okay now?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Balthazar leans against the counter.

“Because…” Because of Hero’s sixteenth birthday party. Because of the video where Peter asked you to go outside. Because you fought at 4 a.m. Because you tried to kiss him and he backed away. Because you keep on writing songs about him. “Because you don’t seem okay,” is what she finally says.

“Peter and I aren’t dating, we aren’t going to date, and we’re fine,” Balthazar says. He picks up a Hobbit coffee mug and slams it a little too forcefully into the sink.

“But do you want to date him?” Freddie says, pushing a little further. The truth is, they need to solve their issues. Right now, Peter and Balthazar and their maybe-sorta-kinda relationship is the elephant in the room, and neither of them are actually talking about the past. Instead, they just pretend like it never happened.

“Freddie, Peter doesn’t want to date me,” Balthazar says.

“Do you want to date him?” Freddie says.

Balthazar throws his hands into the air. “I’m sick of people asking me that,” he yells. 

Freddie backs up. She’s never seen Balthazar this angry. His hands are balled into fists, his face is flushed red, and he’s decidedly looking anywhere but at her. “Peter and I AREN’T DATING, OKAY? WE NEVER DATED. I want people TO STOP ASKING ME THAT. It’s NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Ever. Okay. No matter what I want.”

Freddie starts apologizing, but Balthazar’s already walking out of the kitchen. She hears him walking across the carpet towards his room, muttering underneath his breath, and then she hears the door to his room open and moments later, slam closed.

She stands there, surrounded by a pile of unwashed dishes, in shock.

 

 

Freddie’s decided she wants to try vlogging again. When she posted her first video, people on Ben’s channel liked it. They wrote nice comments full of hearts and exclamation points and said they were happy to see her making videos.

So she’s going to try again. She’s set the camera up on a tripod in her room, and she’s standing in front of her bed for this video. 

Freddie inhales, exhales, inhales again.

She asked Ben for vlogging advice this morning:

“Freddie! Freds, you’re asking me, the great Benji, for vlogging advice?” Ben had grinned so wide it seemed like his smile might fall off his face. “My time to shine has truly come.”

“I just don’t know what to talk about,” Freddie said.

“That one’s easy. Just talk about what’s going on in your life. That’s what I always do.” Ben grinned.

“You do like talking about yourself,” she’d said. “And bird killing.”

“I don’t understand why everyone hates that video,” Ben said. “It’s my greatest masterpiece. C’mon, Freds, talk about your family. Or your classes. Or In the Flesh, or your favorite coffee flavors, or anything you want. Anything’s fine as long as you think it’s interesting and can talk about it for three to five minutes.”

“And you promise you’ll put it on your channel again?” Freddie said.

Ben nodded. “Of course.”

Now here she is, standing in her room, trying to film. Freddie tried writing a script earlier, but everything sounded weird and overly forced, so she’s going to wing it. She’s decided to talk about music she’s been listening to lately.

Freddie stands up and turns the camera on. The light blinks red, beckoning for her to go on. She inhales and exhales one more time and sits back down on her bed, positioning herself in perfect view of the camera.

Here we go. “Hi,” Freddie says. “Hi, again. This is Freddie -- Ben said I could use his channel. So I love listening to music. A lot. Like, I guess I’m not like Balthazar and Paige. They’re so talented. Seriously, go listen to their music. But I like listening to music on my phone.” She inhales again, hoping she doesn’t sound stupid.

Freddie picks her phone off her comforter, where it’s been sitting the whole time. “So I love listening to the 1975…”

 

 

“Hey, Freddie,” Peter says when he opens the front door the following Wednesday night. Freddie looks up from her spot on the couch. There was a marathon of the Lord of the Rings movies on tonight, and she doesn’t have any homework to do, so Freddie figured she’d give it a go. Ben’s in his room Skyping with Beatrice; she can hear them laughing. Balthazar’s still at work. 

“What are you watching?” Peter says as he hangs his coat on the rack.

“There’s a Lord of the Rings marathon on,” Freddie says.

“Which movie are you on?”

“The Two Towers.”

Peter nods, and comes over to sit next to her on the couch. “Nice.”

“How was work?” Freddie says. She’s only been to Peter’s bar once, and that was because they were in town and Peter wanted to stop by and say hello to Jacquie while she was working.

“Good. It’s not that busy at night on the weekdays.” Peter nods. They watch the movie for a few minutes. Freddie likes LotR; really, any kid who grew up in New Zealand has to love it, since it’s their country’s best claim to fame.

“I’ve seen these movies so many times,” Peter says. “For my birthday party in year eight, we had a movie marathon. Stayed up till four a.m watching all of the extended editions in order.”

“That’s committment,” Freddie says, and he laughs. “How’s Faustus coming?”

“Good, good,” Peter says. “We’ve had so many rehearsals lately. Costa’s very committed to his “artistic vision” and he doesn’t want to sacrifice “the truth of the play.” He rolls his eyes with a smile.

“Costa seems kind of intense,” Freddie says. “At least he was on the phone.”

“Yeah, he’s intense, and yeah, he’s kinda overbearing. But he really cares about the play, so much. He really wants it to be good.” Peter looks at her sidelong. “You’re all coming to opening night, right?”

“Of course,” Freddie says. “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Peter smiles to himself. 

“Do you know when Beatrice and Meg are coming to visit?” Freddie asks him. Ben told her yesterday that they were coming to Wellington for a vacation. Apparently Meg works for a magazine, and she has time off, and Beatrice has time off since she’s not at uni and is taking a gap year instead.

“I think two weeks,” Peter says. 

“Have you seen either of them lately?”

Peter shakes his head. “Nah. I went home for term break, y’know, and stayed with my family. I saw Bea once time over break-- yeah, once, I was shopping with my mum and she was with Hero shopping. And I haven’t seen Meg really since I moved to Wellington.”

“Are you excited to see them?” Freddie says. She knows Ben is so excited to see Beatrice again; she can tell he really misses his girlfriend. They’re always texting and Skyping but long distance isn’t the same as real life.

“Yeah. I mean, Bea and I have known each other since we were like, eleven.” Peter smiles at that. “And I’ve known Meg since like, primary school. But sometimes it’s weird.”  
“Why is it weird?” Freddie says.

“I don’t know, we’re all just...such different people than we used to be. Like, they know me as Pedro, all round great guy.” Peter stares at the ground. “And that’s not who I am anymore.”

“I get it,” Freddie says. “Every time I go home for break and see my old friends, it’s weird, because I never see them anymore and I don’t really know them anymore.”

Peter nods. “Yeah.”

“It’ll be nice to meet them, though,” Freddie says. “I’ve heard so much about Bea from Ben, and she sounds amazing”--

Peter smiles. “She is. Bea and Ben -- they’re so alike, they really are.”

“They never shut up?” Freddie says with a smile.

He laughs. “Bea and Ben love to talk. So much. Anybody wants to talk -- they’ll talk with you, or make you talk, or make you listen to them complaining about Game of Thrones. But they’re really similar. They’re both so passionate about the people they love, and they’d do literally anything for them. And they both love arguing.”

Freddie frowns. She watched all of the videos from last year. She knows Bea and Ben weren’t always like this. “Why’d they hate each other, then? Like, really hate each other.”

Peter shrugs. “I think they liked each other too much when we were younger, and they didn’t know what to do about it.”

Freddie nods. “And they ended up together, that’s sweet.”

“Sweet is not the word I would use to describe Bea and Ben together,” Peter says. “Wait till you see them being all gross and couple-y.”

Freddie laughs.

“Did you ever see the Hobbit films?” Peter says, redirecting his attention towards the film. “I hated those.”

“It shouldn’t have been three movies,” Freddie says. “It should have been one movie instead of a trilogy.”

“Exactly,” Peter says. “I knew I could trust you for legit Hobbit movie opinions, Freddie.”

Freddie smiles.

 

 

Freddie and Balthazar are studying at the kitchen table when she hears a knock on the door. Perfect timing. Anything to avoid studying for her sociology of the family class.

“I’ll get it.” Freddie jumps up from the table, narrowly avoiding knocking over her water glass, sociology textbook, and Balthazar’s notes.

“Whoa, be careful, Freddie,” Balthazar says, managing to save the water glass, textbook, and notes from crashing to the floor.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Freddie yells behind her as she runs to open the door. She flings open the door, and there’s Rosa Jones, standing in the entryway. “Hi, Rosa,” she says, moving out of the way for Rosa to cross.

Rosa always dresses like a cosmopolitan traveler. Today she’s wearing a purple blouse underneath a gray scarf and skinny jeans tucked into boots. Freddie wishes she was stylish like Rosa. 

“Hey, Freddie,” Rosa says. “Where’s Balth? I need to talk to him.”

“He’s in the kitchen,” Freddie says, leading the way. “We’re studying. Hey, I just realized I never asked -- what’s your major, Rosa?” Foolproof question, every time.

Rosa flips her hair back. “Well, on my gap year I realized how much I just adore languages. And culture. Of course. So I’m studying linguistics and Spanish. Hopefully after uni, I’ll work as a translator.”

“Ben’s studying linguistics, too,” Freddie says. “I bet you two are taking some of the same courses.”

“Thankfully, no,” Rosa says. 

“You two could study together,” Freddie says. She thinks Rosa and Ben could have a lot to offer each other if they’re both going for the same degree.

Rosa rolls her eyes. “That will never be happening, trust me. We’d both murder each other within ten minutes of studying. Balth?” she calls into the kitchen.

Balthazar sticks his head out of the kitchen. “Oh, hey, Rosa,” he says. “I thought you had work today.”

“Not ‘till four,” Rosa says. 

“Come sit down, then,” Balth says. Freddie and Rosa walk into the kitchen. Freddie sits down in her seat, and Balth pulls up another chair for his sister.

“Rosa Jones, what do you want?” Balth says, giving her a smile.

“Who says I want anything?” Rosa says.

“You have literally been my sister for nineteen years, I can tell when you want something.” 

Rosa sighs. “Fine, I have a problem. And I think Balth can solve it.”

“What is it?” Freddie says. “Oh, Rosa, do you want something to eat, or drink, or -- We have cookies, yeah, cookies, Ben made them yesterday, peanut butter chocolate, they’re so good.” 

She’s kicking herself for not asking earlier. Her mother -- the queen of hospitality and manners -- would be so disappointed in her daughter.

Rosa shakes her head. “No, I’m fine. Okay, so it’s for one of my courses. I’m taking an intro to world music course this year, because”--

“Because I told her she should take it,” Balth finishes. “Professor Jacobs is such a great teacher. I knew Rosa would like her classes.”

“And we have to give a presentation about music in a specific culture -- anyway, that doesn’t matter. I need help finding background music, Balthy. It has to be royalty free and copyright free and music from Japanese culture, and I need help.”

Balthazar smiles. “I’m here for you. Here, I’ll go get my computer and we can go through my iTunes. And I know some royalty free music websites. Or we can check YouTube.”

“You’re my favorite,” Rosa says.

“I know.” Balthazar smiles, stands up, pushes his chair back, and heads towards his room. That leaves Freddie and Rosa alone.

“Do you want tea?” Freddie says. “We have some chai.”

“Sure,” Rosa says.

Freddie heads towards the tea cupboard. Ben is a self-proclaimed tea addict, and over the course of the year, he’s been making her try all kinds of teas. Chai is her favorite, though, always has been. She gets the supplies out, turns the tea kettle on, and mixes in the blend.

Once she’s finished, Freddie sits down. “It must be nice having a musically inclined brother,” she says.

Rosa smiles. “He’s always been like that. Balthazar.”

“Really?” Freddie tries to picture an infant Balthy playing the piano.

“He’s always loved music. Balth’s two years younger than me, right? He was the baby that was always banging pots and pans and making music and singing all the time. It was cute but really annoying. By the time he was in primary school, he convinced our mum to let him take piano lessons. Then it was vocal lessons. Then orchestra. Then he was in band. I mean, by the time he was in year seven, they’d asked him to be in the secondary school symphony orchestra.”

“Wow.”

“Then he did symphonic band, and a capella choir, and playing in open mics, and then he started giving music lessons to younger kids. By the time he was in high school, he could play like, every instrument imaginable. We all knew that he’d grow up to be an amazing musician, and he did.” Rosa smiles. Freddie can see how much she loves her brother. 

She hears the tea kettle boiling, and quickly rushes to the stove. She grabs two mugs out of the cabinet--two of Ben’s Doctor Who mugs--and pours the tea into both. Freddie carries the mugs to the table and sets one in front of Rosa.

Rosa thanks her and takes a sip of tea. “This is delicious. Yeah, so Balth was always the prodigy musical wunderkind. I mean, for my high school graduation party, he performed “Pomp and Circumstance.” And he always plays for parties and family Christmases. And he got a bunch of music scholarships for uni.”

Balth never talks about this with anyone. Freddie knows it’s because he hates talking about himself. It’s nice to learn this from Rosa, to learn more about Balthazar. “Does he ever talk about like, recording music?”

Rosa sips her tea. “In high school, he used to talk about recording an EP, maybe making an album. My dad wants to buy him studio time for Christmas, but”--she shushes herself-- “it’s a secret.”

“That sounds amazing,” Freddie says. “He never talks about this.”

“Yeah, he’s got tons of music written, probably enough for a full album. But he doesn’t like talking about it. That’s Balthazar, always has been: he’s so talented and he loves talking about music, but he doesn’t like bragging about it.” 

Freddie’s impressed. It’s interesting to hear about Balthazar from someone he’s known his entire life, who knows him far better than any of his flatmates. She knows about Balthazar’s family--he has an older sister, Jojo, who lives in Dunedin; Rosa, who’s two years older and in her first year at uni now; and his twin brother and sister, who are in year ten. 

“Hey,” Balthazar says. Rosa and Freddie turn around. Balthazar walks in the kitchen, carrying his laptop in one hand. He pulls up a chair and sets the laptop on the kitchen table.

“So your presentation is about Japanese music, right,” he asks his sister. “Are we talking like modern or classical Japanese music?”

“Modern,” Rosa says.

Balthazar nods and starts clicking buttons on his computer. “Here we go.” Freddie and Rosa lean in closer to hear better. He plays a few songs from his iTunes for Rosa to listen. The first few she flat-out refuses; they’re too long or too loud or too explicit for class. Balthazar pulls up a few royalty free websites on his computer, and plays a few more songs. Rosa dislikes the new songs, too.

“This is too hard,” Rosa says. “This is never going to work.”

Balthazar pushes a few more buttons. “Try this.”

A beautiful orchestral song starts playing--a woman sings in Japanese as violins play in the background. Freddie can’t understand any of the words, but she understands the beauty of the woman’s gorgeous voice and the violins.

“Oh,” Rosa says. “This is perfect.”

Balthazar grins. “I knew it. It’s called Dance of the Moon in English and it’s perfect. Plus, it’s royalty free and totally legal for you to use. I’ll email you the link.” He pulls up his email account on the laptop and starts typing.

Rosa says, “I wish I’d gone to Japan when I was on my gap year.”

“You didn’t go to Asia?” Freddie says.

“No, no, I went to Vietnam and it was truly amazing. So gorgeous, so lush, I mean I think everyone should go to Vietnam, honestly. But I didn’t go to Japan or Korea or China or Cambodia, it’s such a huge continent to see. I want to see so many more countries, and I’d love to go on holiday in Japan or see it when I go traveling again someday. Because I’m definitely traveling the world again someday, it’s so enlightening.” Rosa sighs, lost in her memories.

“You know,” Balthazar says, looking up from the computer, “Beatrice is coming next week to visit, and she wants to travel, too.”  
“When is she traveling?” Rosa says.

“She’s saving up money to travel,” Freddie answers. “Ben told me.” At Ben’s name, Rosa scrunches up her nose in disgust.

“I’ll definitely want to give her some advice,” Rosa says. “I mean, I learned so much while traveling. And I know it’ll be an amazing experience for her.” 

“Okay, Rosie, I sent you the email.” Balthazar smiles.

“Don’t ever call me Rosie ever again.” Rosa gives her brother a death glare, and he just laughs.

“Oh, Balth, guess who I heard from,” Rosa says, taking another sip of her tea. “Annabelle.”

Balthazar’s eyes widen. “Annabelle? Are you serious?”

“Who’s Annabelle?” Freddie asks.

“Our cousin. She’s an au pair in France,” Balthazar says. “And she’s been living in France for two years. She never comes home or contacts anybody and she doesn’t go to any of the family reunions or anything. Pretty much radio silence. But like two weeks ago she announced she’s getting married.”

“She’s nineteen,” Rosa says, “so this is like the family scandal of the century. And she’s marrying some guy like ten years older than her who she met in France, and no one’s met him, and everyone is so mad. Our aunt, is like, losing her mind.”

“What did she tell you?” Balthazar says.

“She called to say that she’s officially inviting me to the wedding, except that the wedding is in France and there’s no way I’d be able to go.” Rosa shrugs. 

“Nobody’s gonna be able to go,” Balthazar says. “Except Justin”--

“Justin’s never gonna go,” Rosa says, “he’s just as mad as Katherine.”

“He’s not gonna go to his sister’s wedding? Katherine’s mad, but she’s still gonna go to the wedding,” Balthazar says.

“Maisie won’t go, she texted me like two days ago and said that there’s no way in hell she’s going.”  
“Maisie always changes her mind, though,” Balthazar says.

Freddie is thoroughly confused. “Wait, hold up, hold up. Who are all these people, Justin and Katie and Maisie and”--

Balth and Rosa turn to look at her. “Our cousins,” Rosa says. “Justin and Katherine and Maisie. Justin’s Annabelle’s sister, and Katherine’s our other cousin, and Maisie is Katherine’s sister and our cousin, too.”

“Justin’s like, twenty two, and he lives in London, so he might be able to go,” Balth says. “But Katherine and Maisie live in Auckland, and oh! Rosa, Maisie might be going to Victoria for uni, actually…”

“Really?” Rosa says. “That’s amazing, I wonder if she’s gonna go for neuroscience. She said she wanted to study neuroscience at Isobel’s birthday party”--

Freddie decides to just sip her tea and listen.

 

 

“Hi, camera,” Freddie says. She feels more comfortable than she used to filming. It helps filming alone, she thinks. Ben’s always in your face and everywhere; she prefers just sitting in front of the camera and talking.

“So we have guests coming soon, actually. I’ve been cleaning the flat because I want to give a good first impression, you know.” She gestures towards her perfectly spotless room. Even her desk--which is usually full of notebooks and textbooks and multicolored highlighters--is empty. “Ben and Peter and Balth’s friends from high school in Auckland are visiting.”

Freddie inhales, exhales. “And I’m so excited to meet them. One of them is Ben’s girlfriend, Beatrice, and he never stops talking about her, and I’m so excited to actually finally meet her. Actually, I’ve met her once, ‘cause Ben was on Skype talking to Beatrice and I walked by and he told me to say hi, so I waved to her. But that doesn’t count as actually seeing her in person. And I’ve never met their friend Meg. It’ll be really nice to meet her.” 

Her throat is starting to feel a little parched, so she pauses for a second before continuing on. “And Peter and I have been trying to think of activities we can do. You know, while they’re here to visit. We’re definitely going to go downtown, and to the waterfront, and to the botanical gardens. Especially because the weather’s been so nice lately. And Peter’s play is coming up so hopefully they’ll be able to go see it Like, if you guys have any ideas, leave us some comments, because we’re definitely not experts on Wellington. At all.” Freddie laughs. “But we want them to have a great trip, and I can’t wait to meet them.”

She pauses. “That’s all I have to say for this week. Again, if you have any ideas on places we can go--especially places that aren’t like, super touristy--please comment. Thanks for watching.” Freddie stands up and turns the camera off. She’ll edit that out later, or have Ben help her edit that out later.

She sits back down on the bed, and realizes she just made it through an entire vlog without stopping or getting nervous.

 

 

“Okay, we have a very special guest today,” Meg says. Freddie grins.

“The one and only lady flatmate and fellow vlogger, Freddie Kingston!” Bea says, doing dramatic jazz hands.

Freddie had come home from her 3 p.m class earlier to find Beatrice and Meg watching romantic comedies on the couch. They’d asked if she wanted to film a vlog--apparently Meg and Beatrice are both vloggers-and Freddie had agreed.

“So, Freddie,” Meg says, “tell us about yourself.”

Freddie looks at the camera directly. “Hi, I’m Freddie. I’m one of Ben’s flatmates, uh, I’m sure you've seen a lot of me in Benedick’s videos. I’m a second year uni student studying psychology, I want to become a clinical psychologist, and my favorite TV show is In the Flesh.”

“Ben loves In the Flesh,” Beatrice says. “Do you guys ever watch it together?”

Freddie nods. “Sometimes. Especially to procrastinate from studying.” Beatrice smiles at her. Freddie hadn’t known what to expect from Ben’s girlfriend, someone she’d heard so much about from Balth and Ben and Peter but never met. 

Beatrice is sweet and kind and funny, and she and Ben have the same sarcastic sense of humor. Everything Peter had said about them as a couple is true; they constantly debate and just this morning had been arguing over whether or not the new Star Wars movie was going to ruin the franchise. Freddie can see why Ben loves her so much.

“So are you two enjoying Wellington?” Freddie says.

“It’s nice to be back home,” Bea says.

“You’re from Wellington?”

Beatrice nods. “I lived in Welly until last year. Before I ended up moving to Auckland. I love Auckland, but I missed Wellington more than I thought I would. So it’s awesome to come back and visit.”

“Hey, we should go to the waterfront tonight,” Meg says. “It sounds so beautiful.”

“I love the waterfront,” Freddie says. “It's especially pretty at night. We can’t go tonight, though, Balth and Peter are working.”

“C’mon, we could do a girls trip,” Meg says.

Freddie laughs. “I have an idea. Let’s go shopping downtown tonight, just the three of us.”

“Yes!” Beatrice grins. “Come on, group high five.” Freddie beams and high fives both Meg and Beatrice.

She turns towards Meg. “How’s your job at the magazine?”

“Amazing. I mean, it definitely wasn’t what I planned to do, but it turned out to be so great. I’ve been writing lots of articles,” Meg says. “Like fashion and beauty advice. I’m the queen of beauty advice.”

“And the queen of everything,” Beatrice says with a smile.

“You know it, girl.” Meg winks at the camera.

“Where are you planning to travel?” Freddie asks Beatrice. She’s heard so much about Beatrice wanting to take a gap year.

“I don’t really have a like, set itinerary,” Bea says. “I’m just trying to save up some money before I give traveling a go. I mean, I have ideas on where I want to travel. I was talking to Rosa, and she was telling me all these amazing stories about her travels. Like, she went everywhere, to Iceland and Spain and Vietnam, and it all sounded incredible. And I’ve wanted to travel for such a long time. So I’m thinking South America, maybe Argentina or Belize, and Spain for sure, and America and France, and Portugal, maybe like the Philippines. I want to see lots of different places.” She smiles to herself.

“Is Ben going to go with you?” Freddie says. She’s heard him talk about Bea traveling so much she wouldn’t be surprised if he decided to go with her in the end. 

Beatrice stares at the floor. “No,” she says, not looking at either Freddie or Meg. “We’re doing our own thing,” she finishes, looking up at the camera again. “And that’s okay. It really is. We love each other, it’ll--it has to be--fine.”

Freddie leans over and gives her a hug. Beatrice smiles and hugs her back. 

“Girl power,” Meg tells the camera. “I think that’s all we have to say for right now. Stay tuned for more updates on Meg and Beatrice’s Amazing Wellington Adventure. And of course, thank you to the amazing Freddie Kingston for guest starring today.” She makes jazz hands in Freddie’s direction, and Freddie blushes. “Bye for now.” She sends an air kiss towards the camera.

Meg stands up to turn the camera off. “That was amazing,” Freddie says. “Thank you guys so much, seriously.”

“Us ladies have to stick together,” Bea says. “Especially with this many guys around.”

 

 

The semester’s nearly over, and that means a pile of tests and essays and term papers. Freddie feels like she’s drowning in homework and responsibilities, not to mention all their guests--Bea and Meg and Kit--and finding time to show everyone around the city while at the same time trying not to fail all her classes.

She can’t believe that she’s nearly finished with university. Once this semester’s over, and she goes home for term break, when the school year starts again she’ll be in her final year of uni. That terrifies her.

Freddie knows what the next step of the plan is: graduate, and then go to grad school to get her masters in clinical psychology. That’s been the plan since year thirteen, and nearly two years at uni hasn’t changed that. But there’s still so much in the air, like where will she even go for grad school, (god, she needs to start looking into grad school applications over break) and where she’ll live once she has to move out of the flat, and what job she’ll eventually have. That terrifies her.

The weather is finally starting to feel like summer. They finally turned the heat off in the flat, and Freddie’s finally able to wear all her favorite summer clothes again. Soon, the semester will be over, and she’ll be going home.

On Mondays, her and Ben both have university classes that start at ten. Usually they walk from the flat to uni together. This morning, Beatrice and Meg are going to visit some of Bea’s old friends from St. Miranda’s, Balth and Kit are working, and Peter has early morning rehearsals.

“Freddie,” Ben says, “are you ready for our grand adventure?” He grabs his backpack and opens the door for her.

“Shut up, Ben.” Freddie rolls her eyes and walks outside. It’s a perfect spring day, with a cloudless sky and temperatures warm enough to wear a sleeveless T-shirt. Ben saunters behind her, pulls out his key, and locks the door to the flat.

They start heading down towards the street. Freddie loves the way the hills of Wellington look in the morning: all rolling green hills that seem to go on forever, dotted with tiny houses. She feels like a giant walking on top of the world.

“I’m ready for the semester to be over,” she says.

Ben turns to look at her. “Really?” he says.

“Yeah,” Freddie says. “I love uni, I love the flat, and I love my classes. But I’m so tired. I’m ready for a break and a few months of relaxing. And not worrying about flat rules and flat challenges and my psych readings.”

“I guess I’m ready to go home, too,” Ben says. “I mean, I miss my friends in Auckland. I want to see Hero and give her a big hug. And I guess I miss my parents, too.”

“Aww, Benny-boy, it’s okay to miss your parents.” Freddie gives him a smile, and Ben rolls his eyes in response.

“And I want to spend time with Beatrice,” Ben says, and Freddie laughs.

“You mean you want to be able to kiss her all the time.”

“I won’t miss the flat rules,” Ben says.

“I won’t either,” Freddie says.

Ben stares at her. “What am I hearing? The great, mighty Freddie Kingston is declaring that she won’t miss the rules? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The king is dead, the king is dead, Fred is dead…”

“Stop, I hate that song,” Freddie says.

“I think that song is my greatest masterpiece.”

“Oh, you mean besides the bird killing video?”

“See, you understand me,” Ben says. 

They reach the intersection, and wait a few minutes before it’s safe to cross. As they’re walking through the crosswalk, Freddie turns to Ben and says, “I have a serious question for you.”

“What? A serious question, you must be joking,” Ben says as they exit the crosswalk and head onto the next sidewalk. “You’re never serious. Ever. At all.”

Freddie nudges him in the stomach. “Ben. It’s important.”

He straightens up and gives her his best serious face. Freddie wants to laugh, but instead she says, “How did you know you loved Beatrice?”

Ben’s face breaks into a smile. His voice changes, becoming wistful and weirdly nostalgic. “I don’t know when exactly I figured it out. It just happened, gradually.”

“So you’re like Mr. Darcy,” Freddie says. Ben stares at her. “What? Ben, that’s embarrassing. That quote is literally one of the most famous quotes in like, all of literature. He says in Pride and Prejudice that he gradually came to love Elizabeth Bennet. I love that quote: ‘I was in the middle before I knew I had begun.’”

“First of all, I’m not a literature student,” Ben says. “Second of all, all I know about Mr. Darcy is from the movies. Like, Colin Firth in the wet T-shirt”--He whistles-- “that, my friend, is a cinematic masterpiece.”

“You’ve seen the movies?” 

“My mum loves the BBC miniseries,” Ben says. “But that doesn’t mean I have the whole book memorized, Freds.”

“So you fell in love with Beatrice gradually,” Freddie says. “But what do you think was the catalyst? Like, it had to start somewhere.”

“No, this wasn’t love-at-first-sight shit.” Ben pauses. “I think the summer before year ten. Beatrice was visiting from Wellington, and she was staying with Hero and Leo and her aunties. And it basically just ended up being all the neighbourhood kids playing together all summer. Beatrice and I spent all summer arguing about movies and Doctor Who and tv shows and telling each other ridiculous jokes. We basically became best friends super fast, and I think that’s when I fell in love with her.”

“But you didn’t know it.”

“No, I didn’t really understand my feelings. I was just devastated when she had to leave. I was so upset. But I was in love with her, and that’s really fucking hard to understand when you’re fourteen.”

Freddie nods. “That’s really beautiful,” she says. “I’m so happy for you two. I really am.” She’s jealous of them, really: how perfect they seem to be together. She wishes she had that kind of love.

“I think that love is finding your person,” Ben says. “Everything just sort of clicks. That’s love, to me. I know you’ll find your person someday, Freddie. You’re amazing and you deserve the world.”

She leans in and gives Ben a hug. They hold on for a moment and let go. “Thank you,” she says. “You’re surprisingly not shit at giving romantic advice. I needed that.”

“I learned all my lessons from Mr. Darcy,” Ben says.

Freddie punches him in the stomach again and they keep walking towards uni.

 

 

Freddie loves the Wellington waterfront at night. It’s by far one of her favorite places in the city. She loves the way the lights from the buildings beside the waterfront reflect onto the water, making the water shimmer red and green and gold. Freddie loves how clear the harbor looks at night, and she loves being by the water. She’d live by the beach if she could.

Meg and Beatrice are leaving tomorrow. Kit’s staying in Wellington city; he’s found a new flat, and is going to stay with some of Chelsea and Paige’s friends. So it’s their last night all together, their last chance to be, like Meg says, “young and wild and free and not giving a fuck.” They’re finally going to the waterfront tonight.

“Freddie,” Ben says as they’re getting ready to leave. Freddie’s dressed up tonight, because why not: she’s wearing her favorite floral print dress underneath a brown leather jacket and lace up boots. “Do you want to take the camera tonight?”

“You want me to film?” Freddie says.

Ben nods.

“Are you sure? I mean, I’ve never really filmed on the go. You could ask Peter, or Balth, they’re better than me.” 

“I think you should do it, Freds,” Ben says. “Besides, all you have to do is hold the camera and make sure the footage isn’t blurry.”

“What if I mess it up?” Freddie says.

Ben says, “Come on, just give it a go.”

“Fine.” Freddie sighs, and Ben beams.

“Perfect! I’ll go get the camera.” Freddie nods as he runs towards his bedroom. She sits down on the couch and rummages through her purse to make sure she has everything: wallet, flat keys, cell phone, and her lip balm. Everything’s there, right where it’s supposed to be. She’s ready.

The door to the bathroom swings open, and out walk Bea and Meg, dressed in their best evening wear. Freddie stares at them in shock. Beatrice is wearing a short purple dress, leather jacket, and brown sandals, and Meg’s wearing a silky red shirt tucked into a black skirt and black booties.

“You two look amazing,” she says.

Beatrice blushes. “Meg said we had to dress up for going out on the town.”  
Meg twirls around. “I mean, we brought these clothes in our carry-on, which obviously means we need to wear them at least once. And tonight’s the perfect occasion.”

“You look great, Freddie,” Beatrice says. “I love your dress. Where did you buy your boots?”

“Oh, my family went on holiday to Adelaide a few years ago,” Freddie says. “For summer holiday. I bought these boots at a store in Adelaide.”

A door opens behind them, and the three girls turn around. Balthazar and Peter walk towards them. They’re both wearing their standard nightlife uniform: collared shirts, skinny jeans, and flat shoes.

“Where’s Kit?” Meg says.

“He’s getting ready,” Peter says. “So Bea, you’ve been to the waterfront before, right?”

Beatrice nods. “It’s one of my favorite places in the city. And it’s so beautiful at night”--

Another door swings open. Ben walks out of his bedroom, camera slung around his neck. His eyes dart directly towards Beatrice. “Bea, you look amazing,” he says. Beatrice blushes as Ben comes behind her to give her a hug.

“Okay, we get it,” Meg says, “you’re cute, moving on.”

Ben and Bea let go--after hugging for far longer than the flat-appointed rule allows--and Ben hands Freddie his camera. “Here you go,” he says.

Freddie nods and wraps the camera strap around her neck. “I’m here, I’m here,” she can hear Kit saying behind her. “I just got a little distracted, but it’s all good--cool, cool, cool, let’s go see the city.”

Freddie grins.

As they walk down from the flat towards the street, Freddie looks out over the city. Wellington at night is a mess of color and light reflecting from the hills, turning the city golden. Everything seems bigger and better at night. Wellington turns from a quiet, hilly city during the day to a city of reflected light during the night. In the distance, she can hear music pulsing from someone’s flat, and the sound of cars whirring by, and see waterfront shining red and green and gold.  
She suddenly feels a wave of pride for her city. Her city. Wellington is her city now, uni has made it her home, and Freddie’s so proud of her city. She feels like dancing around in the street tonight, and she feels high on adrenaline. 

She feels like there’s nothing to worry about in the world; all that matters is dancing in the street with all her best friends.

 

Freddie takes Ben’s camera to film a few shots. 

She films the rolling hills of the city, the water shining in the distance. She films Peter and Balthazar leaning into each other, hands grazing, smiling at each other. She films Meg twirling around in the street, her skirt floating around her. She films Kit laughing and saying something about, “yeah, we laughed about it for days.” She films the street signs and their shadows reflecting off the pavement.

“Freddie, come over here,” Beatrice says. Freddie crosses the sidewalk to stand beside Bea and Meg.

“Here, let’s smile at the camera,” Meg says. Freddie positions the camera so all of them are situated within the viewfinder. They stop walking so the camera won’t be blurry.

“Hi, everyone,” Beatrice says to the camera.

“What are we doing tonight?” Meg says. “Tell our lovely viewers.”

“Going to the waterfront,” Freddie says.

“We’re going to the waterfront,” Bea cheers. Meg hollers in response, and even Freddie manages to shout, “WOO!”

“That was perfect,” Meg says. “Like, actually perfect.” Freddie beams at her.

Freddie keeps filming.

Ben and Balthazar dance in the street, some kind of weird choreography they’ve invented, and when they’re finished Balthazar bursts out laughing. Kit poses next to a mural of multicolored fish. As they get closer, Freddie can see downtown approaching: a hubbub of noise and light and orange streaks reflected across the pavement. She films the way the light seems to dance across the street as cars rush by.

Beatrice and Meg lean into each other and hug right there, on the sidewalk. Peter turns towards Balthazar and says, “Yeah, remember that time in year nine,” and Balthazar’s blush goes radioactive. Beatrice and Ben walk beside each other, hand in hand, giving each other sly looks. Meg dances across the sidewalk and nearly collides with another pedestrian; Freddie captures her saying, “Sorry, sorry!” and quickly getting out of the way.

Freddie can see the waterfront up close now, how dark the water looks tonight, practically black. 

“Freddie,” Ben says, coming up to her out of nowhere. “Handshake time.”

Freddie grins and on cue, they do their super-secret handshake, the one they invented all those months ago. 

Freddie keeps filming.

She can hear loud rap music coming from somewhere, and birds in the air, and the sounds of everyone’s feet hitting the pavement. She films Meg and Kit and Bea all walking ahead, the shapes of their backs reflected in the distance. She films Peter and Ben talking to each other, something about “it’s okay, I promise.” 

She feels like this night was made for background music. She feels so happy and free and alive.

They finally make it to the waterfront. Tonight, the waterfront’s fairly deserted, though there are a few people walking around. Freddie films the water, the buildings shimmering in the distance, the strangers who walk by, all lost in their own worlds.

“Freddie!” Beatrice says. “Come on, you have to film yourself. You’re filming everybody else.”

Freddie smiles. “Okay, fine.” She looks around at her friends. Peter and Balthazar are laughing about something. Meg and Ben are embroiled in some kind of debate. Beatrice and Kit are looking out over the water and talking. The water’s full of reflected light. Freddie suddenly feels so happy that these are her friends, these are the people she loves, in the city she loves.

She’s so happy that they’re her friends. She couldn’t have asked for better friends.

Freddie turns the camera towards herself, makes sure that she’s in focus. “Hi. This is Freddie. I’ve been filming everybody tonight so Bea said I had to film myself. We’re at the waterfront, which is one of my favorite places in the city. It’s been an amazing night. The truth is, I have the best friends in the world. I really do. And…” She smiles. “We’re young and wild and free and we don’t give a fuck, and tonight has been incredible. Thank you for watching.”

 

 

Freddie doesn’t know how to start this. There’s so much she wants to say. But she doesn’t know how to say it.

She wants this to be the best video ever.

The flat’s empty. Freddie and Balth spent all of yesterday clearing out the kitchen. They threw out all the leftover food no one ate, scrubbed down the floors and the counters, packaged up all the plates and silverware and placed them in perfectly marked boxes. Ben and Peter cleaned the living room at the same time, packaging all the books and knickknacks into boxes.

The whole flat smells like antiseptic cleaner. The flat’s filled with suitcases and boxes now. The flat rules aren’t posted to the wall anymore. Freddie’s suitcases are ready, packed beside her bed full of jumpers and winter boots. Her laptop’s packaged in its case, her textbooks are returned to the bookstore, her bookshelves are bare. 

She’s ready to go.

Her room is bare, too. The pictures on her wall are gone, after a particularly tedious three hours of painstakingly making sure no tape was left stuck to the walls. Her bedspread is packed, her shoe collection is in order, her printer is wrapped in bubble wrap. The room looks like it did at the beginning of the year: a bland, boring bedroom made to be a blank canvas.

There’s one thing left. Her last video.

None of the flatmates have left yet. Their parents are all coming this afternoon to get them. Everyone’s still in their rooms, packing.

Freddie can’t believe it’s been a year. It’s hard to believe so much can happen in a year. She wants to go back and tell past-Freddie, the one that decided to rent a flat with people she barely knew, that those people became some of her best friends.

She looks around her room, and thinks: this feels like home. I don’t know what going home will mean.

She misses her parents. 

 

But Freddie will also miss vegan Fridays, and the sound of Balthazar singing in his room, and Ben’s endless enthusiasm, and Peter’s sly humor. She’ll miss the flat challenges, and maybe not the rules, but she’ll miss the memories the rules created. She’ll miss her friends from uni: Chelsea and Paige and Jacquie and Kit, people she didn’t know a year ago. And of course, Freddie will miss Beatrice and Meg, who invited her into their group of friends and gave her amazing advice about winged eyeliner.

She’s ready to go home, but she doesn’t want to leave the flat behind.

Freddie inhales. She has to film the last video; there’s hardly any time before her parents arrive. She stands up and turns the camera on.

The camera blinks, once, twice, as if daring her to say something.

Freddie sits on her empty bed and looks the camera directly in the eye. “Hi. This is Freddie, again. For the last time. The semester’s over and we’re all leaving the flat for break. My parents are coming in three hours to pick me up. I miss my parents, and I miss my house. But it’s so hard to say goodbye to the flat. I don’t want to leave; the flat’s become my home over this last school year. I don’t want to say goodbye to my flatmates, either.

“I guess what I’ve learned the most this year is that it’s okay to be brave. It’s okay to be self confident. At the beginning of the year, I never could have done this.” She gestures towards the camera. “I could never have sat in front of a camera and pushed record and talked to the internet. It terrified me.

“But then Ben made me be on his vlog and I got used to the camera. And then I started making my own videos, sometimes, and people liked them. And when Beatrice and Meg visited they wanted me to be in their videos, too, and I liked that. I learned that the camera isn’t so scary, and that I don’t mind sitting in front of a camera and talking about myself. And a lot of people taught me that: Ben and Peter and Stan, Meg and Beatrice, Chelsea and Paige and Rosa and Kit. So I can’t thank them enough.

“I wanted this to be the best video ever, but I’m not sure how to say goodbye. I guess I can say thank you, if you watched, and thank you to Ben for helping me edit these videos. Thank you to all of my flatmates and thank you to my friends. I loved doing this. I learned a lot. And I can be confident on camera now, which means the world.”

Freddie exhales. “I hope that everyone has an amazing summer. And thank you all for watching. Knowing that people wanted to watch and wanted to hear what I had to say -- that’s amazing to me. Goodbye.

 

“Thank you for watching, always.”


End file.
